deliratio

deliratio (delirium lat.) - an acutely disturbed state of mind characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence, occurring in intoxication, fever, and other disorders. (Cambridge)

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I’ve lost my temple 
a long time ago
I thought this path 
will help to get it back 
but it’s just too painful 
little lines – I miss you
glass of blood – I miss you
pills full of poison – I miss you
I miss things that will make me 
forget
to not remember 
all those years in prison
all those years being ruled by a dictator 
barricaded in my own mind 
made me blame everybody 
made me go and look for other ways 
to not try to heal
just to forget. 
My first sunshine was in June
on the day that nature knows
there’s only few months left 
till death comes. 
I thought I will be strong enough 
to say no
to resist this feeling 
Cause I was born on the hottest 
night in this century,
I have been in hell and I was brought back
so, I saw the worst things in my life 
before I’ve opened my eyes.
I can’t stop going to Babylon,
looking at the past 
cause it is all that I have left 
memories on the bookshelf, 
segregated by Primates
who are trying to tell me,
what is real and what 
I’ve created in my head,
I don’t know if what I am feeling 
matters anymore
if somebody even cares about this 
anymore.
I just need the affection 
but not from these people that I know 
but from strangers, that 
come every single night 
to my bed 
just to make me forget 
- the only type of drug that I can use. 
I was screaming hear me 
I was blaming people and 
calling their story medacium 
I was trying to show the world 
what I have went through,
me telling them the story of my 
miserable life.
I was lying to the closest people 
in my heart,
I’ve told them lies because 
I wanted to hear 
how sorry they are 
how unlucky I am 
I wanted them to feel sympathy towards me.
I feel like I’m drowning 
in my life right now 
cause it is a life that somebody else 
chose for me 
I don’t know if I want this 
if this is something that I want
if being alive is something 
that I want to do.
That’s why I keep trying 
and trying 
I’m trying everything 
to make people look at me 
to laugh at me
to admire me 
I’m trying everything to 
not 
be 
alive.
Because I’ve lost my temple,
every person who’s no longer in my life 
had their part in destroying my temple.
But also, in making me more skin deep 
- at this point I think I have deeper skin than bones,
that’s why I’m so tired of doing it every single day.
My first sunshine was in an incubator 
machine that tried to keep me alive,
sometimes when I miss them
I’m thinking why this machine did it 
why could it not stop working 
why did it keep me alive.
Because of this machine, 
I have been through hell and back
recently even in heaven, 
but none of those places 
hurts like being alive.
The truth is that we are all going to die
and we are so afraid of that 
so, we are 
taking drugs,
drinking ludicrous amount of alcohol 
sniffing things that are not good for our brain
just because we want to make world 
go slower 
even for these few seconds.
I’m afraid that one day, 
I will wake up after taking too much
and I will be that angry 
that it didn’t kill me, 
that I will take more 
and disappear.
My parents created me,
built me with all this trauma in my life,
made me regret that I am alive 
but I will love them until the last day that
I will be walking up on this ground.
They are the best and the strongest people 
I got to know in my entire life.
But it is so hard to say to them that
I’m not sober anymore.
I’m feeling differently. 
I don’t want to be alive.
I love them but I just can’t do this anymore.
I need to go on the journey 
where I will face the sheds of my past 
and I will be able to be the person I am today. 
I need to get help,
I need to start living my life for myself,
I need to stop blaming people,
I need to forgive my sweet little me, 
and let him free. 
You deserve it baby.
It is funny how a lack of social interactions 
can make you think about 
things that were so obvious 
but you couldn’t notice them.
This is Gabriel Adrian.