sober

hold me while 

I’m going to cry

over and over 

cause I’m not sober 

I think I’ve never been sober

I always was on something

pain

tiredness 

trauma

anger

I was on them since I remember. 

I’ve got no excess for this,

it’s only my fault.

I did this to myself. 

I’m so sorry to everybody that

needs to see it,

I’m trying to seek help 

but nothing is that helpful 

as alcohol or coke.

I need these painkillers,

this thoughtkillers. 

I can say only sorry 

at this point, 

I’ve lost myself.

I keep trying everything,

just to feel something,

Men who will make me 

forget about world for few minutes.

I’m sorry to them.

Friends, that will try to take 

part of this pain and let me breathe.

I’m sorry to them.

I’m sorry to myself,

that I’m trying,

I can’t stop looking for a way

to stop feeling this way.

Waking up and feeling like 

I don’t want to live, 

but don’t want to end myself.

Nothingness, 

one big nothingness in my head.

I can’t deal with it.

I tried everything to keep you

laughing at me, 

but you left, 

you left me without saying goodbye.

I don’t know even the reason.

You started this, you made me 

look for other ways, 

saying “that’s the spirit”.

I can’t stop coming back to this pity party,

where your friends were making fun of me 

and you let them do it.

You ignored me, 

I can’t stand it. 

That’s why I keep trying,

to bring you back in my life,

just to end it on my terms.

To be in control again…

I’m sorry to my mom, 

who’s watching me fall 

she saved my life so many times,

and I keep trying. 

Keep trying to not be sober anymore. 

I can’t stand this…

I’m sorry to my dad, 

for making the same mistakes.

Trying the same thoughtkillers as him, 

just to make thoughts disappear. 

Even now while writing these words,

I’m sitting with a glass, 

trying to not think about things 

that I am writing about. 

I’m sorry to my best friend, 

who went through a lot in life.

I’m sorry for being another person,

who’s falling over trying. 

I’m sorry to everybody, 

but I need to start living my own life,

even if that means trying will kill me.

I promise to get help.

I promise. 

Just hold me, 

cause I’m lonely.

Don’t leave me….

I’m not sober anymore, 

I’ve never was, 

but I will get better. 

As soon as I will find a cure.

Sobriety is something that,

you need to choose.

Forgiveness is something that, 

you must choose. 

I’m sorry to myself. 

I will be alright, 

it’s just a little sharp glass of blood,

and little sketchy line.

I’m not sober, and I will never be.

Because nobody will ever love 

this mess.

So, I will keep trying. 

Cause I have nobody,

I have never had somebody. 

I will die alone, as we all do.

I’m not sober – and it is okay.